As I described in my last couple entries, in my first week as A Writer I felt frustrated with my ongoing anxiety despite having very little to feel anxious about. I laughingly told my dad how, despite life being perfect, I still couldn’t seem to live in the “now.”
He had a bit of wisdom that was comforting: “Change always brings anxiety, even good change. Give it time.”
Dad’s words reminded me that this had indeed been my experience.
When I first arrived in my Peace Corps village ten years ago, I spent months inventing all sorts of unnecessary worries for myself. Given little guidance on what to accomplish, I busied myself creating an elaborate notebook with one section for every project I wanted to get done. I spent hours at the wooden table in my dark little kitchen, poring over this notebook and planning what to do each day.
It was only after five or six months in the village that I recognized that many of my projects weren’t accomplishing much at all. This was because I didn’t really understand the culture or needs of my village yet.
Peace Corps staff had anticipated this. The main instruction I’d received, heading off to my village, was not to try to accomplish anything in those first months, except getting to know the people and their needs.
Impatient to check things off my list and make a difference, I had skipped over the crucial step of just being there and paying attention. I hadn’t been comfortable with that instruction. It was nebulous and would have required me to slow down.
Now, back in the States with my own projects in front of me, I think I do understand what needs to be accomplished—my current checklists make sense. But my hurry and anxiety is as needless as it was back then.
I have time, now. I just need to get used to having time again…and practice, practice, practice living in the now.
Realizing this need for time and practice, I’ve done everything I can in the last couple of weeks to gain a healthier mindset. Following Gretchen Ruben’s method in her book The Happiness Project, I’ve even made a resolutions chart for myself so I can check off daily goals!
But these aren’t goals like “Get two blog posts written” or “Plot my book.” These are happiness goals, goals related to my physical and mental wellbeing: “Meditate 5 min,” “Journal,” “Walk 20 min,” “Exercise,” and “Take vitamins.” All the things that, in my previous life as a full-time scientist, I didn’t find the time to do.
No excuses now. If I’m ever going to have time for these things, I have it now.
My mom once told me an insight she’d heard from a college professor: “The best preparation for bad experience is good experience.” Popular culture tells us that when bad things happen, it’s good for us—it builds character and makes us stronger. But living with ongoing bad experience trains the mind to be anxious.
Long periods of good experience—health—train us to know what balance and calm feel like. Then, when bad things do happen, we can sense how to return to that balance and calm.
I suppose what I’m doing, right now, is instilling that health in myself. I’m building up my store of good experience so that later, when I’m busyer, I’ll be able to find my way back.
