For all the grief my disease has caused me, I’ve found silver linings in having ulcerative colitis. Upon diagnosis, I was drowning in despair, but colitis would eventually open up worlds within me for which I’ve become profoundly grateful. I’ve even gained a few superpowers along the way!
My silver linings won’t be the same as everyone else’s. And I want to proceed carefully in this post, avoiding the otherizing belief that diseases “happen for a reason” —i.e., that I got sick because I needed to learn these lessons and skills. Perhaps I did have growing to do, but I don’t believe sick people somehow bring sickness onto ourselves. At least, we don’t do so through our energy, emotions, or the need to learn lessons in life.
Inevitably, though, we do learn valuable lessons through chronic illness. There’s a certain wisdom that can only be gained from brushing up against mortality; our suffering molds us and forces us to grow. The wisdom of sick people is one of our gifts to the world. It’s a way that we make the world better, through sharing our stories and perspectives.
With all that said, here are some of the things I’ve gained from my disease:
- A fine-tuned awareness of my body’s needs. As a Healthy Person, I could take my body for granted. Now I am closely attuned to both my gut and my nervous system. I feel an embodied awareness that never had before, that I hadn’t even known could exist, and that I love.
- The understanding of how to be generally healthy, and the motivation to be healthy, so that it’s quite possible this disease will actually have prolonged my life. I can no longer be lazy about diet, exercise, stress management, and rest. Aside from being sick, I am the healthiest person I know!
- Extensive knowledge of digestion, which is possibly the most important thing to understand when it comes to health. People often ask me for advice about their own gut problems. When they point to their bellies, I can make an educated guess about precisely what organ is hurting.
- An intimate awareness of what stimulates or stresses me, even very subtly, and thus the ability to shape my life in the most nurturing, uplifting way possible.
- The ability to self-advocate with dignity: to clearly and unselfconsciously tell others what I need, while still remaining warm and calm. This helps me to be both liked and cared for by the people around me, including strangers such as restaurant servers. And it helps me to like myself.
- A deep-seated dignity and humility that comes with identifying as chronically ill, and a broad empathy for everyone who is ill, disabled, or experiencing any other kind of social exclusion.
- A mindful sense of the present moment.
- A beautiful, hard-won gratitude for what health I do still have.
For all this, I am grateful.
