3 Reasons To Be Civil…To Someone Who’s Not Being Civil

As an advocate for respectful political discourse, I sometimes get asked what to do about jerks. Are there any reasons to be kind to them? Compassion and kindness are great when they’re reciprocated, but if someone’s being belligerent, shouldn’t we stand up to them? After all, we don’t owe them anything.

But here are three reasons to be kind, even to someone who’s not being kind back. Plus, my exception to the rule—because kindness does have its limits.

Reason 1: The Message Is The Goal

Yes, it’s unfair when one person is more respectful than the other in a conversation. It’s challenging to be on the receiving end of disrespect or unkindness. However, as counter-intuitive as it may sound, when it comes to political conversations, fairness is not the goal.

For me, the practice of respectful discourse has two main goals, one spiritual, one practical. Spiritually, living and speaking from a place of compassion opens the heart. It heals and allows us to be larger, giving us access to a deep, vast power within. Kindness and compassion connect us to ourselves and to the world.

But in political discourse, kindness also has a very practical goal: effective communication. We’re kind because we care passionately about our message and want it to be heard, not only by our like-minded friends but also by those who may disagree. People can’t listen when they feel shamed or badgered; kindness helps us make sure our messages get across.

If the goal were to get others to be kind to me back, it would make sense to withhold my kindness till they reciprocated. I could hoard it and reserve it for other kind people, rationing kindness out like candy to those who have earned my trust.

But fairness isn’t the goal here. Being heard is the goal. The message is the goal.

Reason 2: Often, The Other Person Will Soften

I know I just said the goal isn’t to get the other person to be nice back. But conversations are more pleasant when both people are friendly and kind, and I’ve found that softening often does happen—just slowly.

When I lived in Wisconsin, I sometimes got the cold shoulder from cashiers in hardware or grocery stores. At first, it was irritating. I missed the easy friendliness of people in my hometown of Portland, who often strike up conversations with strangers. But eventually, I learned that if I kept offering warmth and kindness, Wisconsinites would soon relax, smiling and chatting with me like a friend.

It’s a cultural difference: Wisconsinites are more reserved than Portlanders. I sometimes needed to earn their trust, but eventually, I came to enjoy charming them until they thawed and softened.

Those cash-register interactions weren’t over anything contentious. In conversations about hot political topics, like racism, gun control, or climate change, earning trust takes more time—lots more. Not a few minutes of kindness in the checkout line, but weeks, months, even years. You may run up against abrasion and agitation that carries through multiple conversations, only to soften much later, after a ton of patience on your part.

Karin Tamerius, the founder of a group called Smart Politics, has created a model for building trust in conversations. The model is geared towards progressives talking with conservatives, and it includes questioning, listening, reflecting, and sharing personal stories. The goal isn’t to convince the other person they’re wrong but to earn their trust so that eventually they might hear your message.

When people are softer and less guarded, they’re better able to listen, and that softening does often happen over time. That’s why if someone’s being unkind, it’s often worth sticking with them as you slowly build the necessary trust.

Dave Phemister, Kentucky State Director of The Nature Conservancy, puts it this way:

I have learned that when trying to influence someone’s thinking, I should approach it not as an argument I am trying to win but instead as a conversation that I am trying to start.

(From How to Talk to the “Other Side: Finding Common Ground in the Time of Coronavirus, Recession and Climate Change” by Kevin Wilhelm and Natalie Hoffman.)

Reason 3: When People Soften, They Liberalize

This reason is, admittedly, only a boon for liberals—sorry, conservatives! But research has shown that the less threatened we feel, the more politically liberal we become.

One 2017 Yale study, described in a Washington Post article, had participants imagine themselves with one of two superpowers: they could either fly or be “completely physically safe, invulnerable to any harm.” The people who imagined themselves flying didn’t change their political views, but the group who felt safe did:

[I]f they had instead just imagined being completely physically safe, the Republicans became significantly more liberal… [O]n the issue of social change in general, the Republicans’ attitudes were now indistinguishable from the Democrats. Imagining being completely safe from physical harm had done what no experiment had done before — it had turned conservatives into liberals.

Conversely, in a series of 2009 studies, researchers found that liberals’ views became significantly more conservative when they were exposed to a threat. Our leanings are somewhat malleable, in both directions. The key difference is that feeling safer makes us more liberal.

This makes sense if you think about it. Conservatism is about sticking to the familiar, staying loyal, trusting your in-group’s authorities, and steering clear of outsiders. Contrary to what many progressives believe, these are intelligent values—especially in times of danger. It’s when we feel relaxed and trusting that our more liberal tendencies come out—we try new things and extend more care to people outside of our circles. So, the safer and more trusting a conversation feels for a conservative, the more likely they might be to take liberal ideas seriously.

(I do think there’s more to the story when it comes to safety and liberalism. In my experience, liberals can be every bit as dogmatic and aggressive as conservatives! But I’ll save that for a later post.)

BUT, Leave If The Conversation Isn’t Good For You

Here is my exception to all of the above.

Engaging in dialogue with a difficult person takes energy and strength and is usually unpleasant at first. Being kind to unkind people is only sustainable when we have resilience—we need to know that however drained or angry or wounded we feel, we’ll bounce back and grow from the challenge.

But there are times when it doesn’t make sense to put ourselves through all that. We may be working through our own trauma or ill health and need space from conflict. We may have fraught personal connections to the topic of discussion or feel especially triggered by the person we’re talking with. That’s why, for example, the modern antiracist movement encourages white people to talk to each other about racism rather than leaving this burden for people of color. It can be exhausting and even traumatic for people of color to explain racism over and over to white people.

If a challenging conversation isn’t good for you—not just momentarily unpleasant but depleting and damaging in the long run—it’s okay to steer clear for now. It’s not your job to convert every closed-minded person into a kind, respectful member of society. We may be stronger than we think, but none of us have the stamina to endure unkindness forever.

And sadly, not everyone is convertible. I avoid conversations with certain people not because I can’t handle their unpleasantness but because I know, from long and patient experience, that they’re unlikely to ever treat me with dignity. If someone’s bullying continues even after I patiently ask her to stop a few times, I’m usually done. I have my limits.

Find your own boundaries. Engage with unkind people when you’re feeling energized and resilient. When you’re not, take breaks and do things that replenish your soul. In the long run, you can do the most good for the world if you keep yourself healthy.

Just remember:

• It’s fine to be kind to an unkind person. The goal isn’t fairness; it’s being heard.
• You can soften many people over time, and even make them more open to liberal ideas.
• Pay attention to your needs and boundaries. Within those boundaries, the more patience and compassion you can offer, the more effective you will be.

Many thanks to Locke Peterseim for assistance editing this piece.